WARNING: The following article may be intense, if you ever feel the same, please take care and you can always reach me through DMs and we can fight together.
Unsaid but felt, there are so many days for me that waking up is a struggle, the fact that I did not have a breakdown in public is a feat of accomplishment. Unsaid, but felt that sometimes I am scared of what I might do to myself. I have been through that road and I still go down it more often than not.
I have realized that talking about my anxiety and depression, hasn’t helped me as much as I had wished for. I mean it took me almost 10 years to tell my parents and yet I often feel scared and vulnerable. It is important to understand that for many of us suffering through there is literally nothing we can do when we are in the midst of the storm; and more often than not, the storm can happen anywhere and at anytime. We don’t get to choose when we breakdown; we don’t choose what makes us breakdown. I can be laughing and having the best time surrounded by people, but within seconds something could switch inside and I could close up and feel like I’m crawling in my skin. Sometimes, little things can trigger an attack and big life changing events can render you numb and have no impact on me.
Everyday for me is a new challenge, the anxiety of being in the train, walking, meeting people, even doing simple things that I used to enjoy are too much for me. I am not writing this to gain sympathy or attention, although a part of my brain is telling me that I am doing this for these reasons, this same part tells me I’m worthless and there is nothing I can do. There is sometimes another part that wants to fight this. And the constant turmoil inside of me is unsaid, but felt.
There are days when I just wish I can go through a basic task list I have set for myself. Things like taking a bath seem like I’m climbing Mount Everest. I wish I could say all this out loud, say it to the people around me and reach for help. Every step I take in this direction; I leap three back. I leap three back because I am scared and vulnerable. I am afraid of what people may say; after all being Indian, the biggest concern is often “log kya kahenge” or “what will people say?” Because of this fear, I leave things unsaid, but felt.
Sometimes, I’d rather bottle everything up and keep it to myself and let it me eat it out than confront what affects me. But at the same time, there are moments where I am numb that I’d leash it all out and not be afraid of the consequences, event though a part of me knows that the consequences will hurt me more than anyone.
When someone, is in the midst of it all and is struggling to breathe, don’t tell them to just breathe and stop crying. When we are in the midst of it all, telling us that it gets better may not help us. Because in that moment, everything feels like it is caving in on us and are brain is telling us that things will not get better and we are just worthless, useless, incapable of doing anything and we should just be numb.
These things, by many of us are unsaid, but felt. We wish we could say it but we are afraid and we are vulnerable.
If it ever helps, listen to In My Blood. I just had a panic attack and I have been listening to it for the last hour on repeat and at least now I have my eyes open and my breathing has leveled.
I don’t know if this will help anyone, but I just wanted to write, because right now, I feel like this is what is helping me say the things that are unsaid, but felt.