It's been 182 days since the beginning of 2020 and who would have thought that as I blew the candles out on my cake, hoping for a great year ahead, all of this would happen.
This is me on January 1st, full of hopes and plans for this year. Little did I know that the last six months were going to be a huge learning curve in almost every aspect of my life.
I started the year fresh out of my previous job, where I loved working and I really found something that I was as passionate about as I am for fashion. I began to truly feel that PR and Marketing. So January beginning I was confident that within the month I would be able to get a job and boy was I wrong.
If I had to describe the biggest lesson I learned in the last six months is that "Plans sometimes don't happen and that's okay. It's important to find something small to be happy about and move on."
As February began I sadly lost my great grandmother and a cousin brother, which hit me hard. I always thought I would have more time with them and I wish I had more pictures and memories.
And as the month progressed the looming fear of the coronavirus lockdown and the uncertainity of when things would go back to normal was an added pressure.
And under pressure, I often end up doing something to my hair. This time it was a chance to give bangs another chance. So I took a plunge and got bangs. And also as the days progressed I ended up chopping another five centimeters. People look great with bangs and the curtain bangs were a good look no doubt, but oh the maintenance of them. They have started to grow out but they are still painstakingly hard to maintain. So get bangs, but only if you have the patience to maintain them. But do not under any circumstance attempt them yourself no matter how easy it seems.
As we entered March, I started taking care of myself more. I started doing Yoga and eating a lot cleaner than before. I switched out to have at least one meal to be a large bowl of salad full of avocado, tomatoes, cucumber, and firm tofu. I started to notice a change in me.
April was a complete blur of day in and day out of endless TikTok scrolling and Netflix bingeing.
In May I began to explore themes of cultural identity. Some thought it was depressing, many resonated with it and said that it felt real. To be honest, the people who matter to me immensely, said that my posts felt real and that is all that really matters. So May taught me that if I just listen to the people who matter to me and tune out the ones who don't understand I can be kind of happy.
Another thing that May brought me was the courage to finally go to therapy. In the past, I would just try and distract myself, or if I had a panic attack, I would talk to my support system of close friends; but in May I realized that I need to be able to get help and not just rely on my friends. They have lives too and I didn't want to be bothersome. Going into therapy, I knew what was I was struggling with, but in that first therapy session, I was able to figure out how I like to structure my life and the way I do it is okay as long as it makes sense to me.
Also, as May was mental health awareness month, there was a lot of content on social media that helped me not feel worried about the whole idea of going to therapy. I'll be honest, I was terrified of telling my parents about how I booked my first therapy session. It was a conversation and it is still an ongoing conversation. But, the idea of me going to therapy and the cultural identity discussions I was having with my Instagram posts made me realize that; there is a shift in how we as a generation think and how our parents think. As children of immigrants, it is important for all that are involved to realize that we each have different experiences of cultures that are our roots as well as the cultures we currently exist in. Cultural things that seem taboo to my parents when they were growing up such as mental health are slowly not taboos for our generation and that is a good thing. Discussions like such are important.
To be completely truthful, I don't know if I will continue therapy ahead or not, I still haven't figured out that part yet, but the important lesson is that I do have the outlet. I know that there are options here in Tokyo, that I can go to. I don't have to be petrified of them, and if I still am... it's okay to be petrified too. As long as I find ways to make myself and my mental health a priority.
Entering into June, I've kickstarted my job hunt again, and after numerous revisions to my resume, I am finally starting to hear back from positions, and the whole finding a job situation is another lesson that I will endeavor to answer soon in a different blog post.
As for now, I am spending my days with an iced coffee, waiting for summer and the next half of 2020. And hopefully, the next 183 days will be better, brighter, and full of outfits that are not sweatpants and old t-shirts.