So normally with the way I am feeling right now I would have covered myself underneath a blanket with lights all off and playing my In My Blood playlist which consists of the 6 songs that calm me down on repeat. But somehow, this time I am sitting in front of a laptop writing, because this time I feel like writing all this will help make sense for me too. And maybe it’ll help you feel like you’re not alone.
I had last month spoken about how I faced anxiety in a lot of situations. Starting this blog, graduating college and facing new changes in life were and are really big steps for me. I had thought of writing about college and giving organizational tips; but I just wasn’t ready to write graduated instead of soon to be graduating. To be honest I don’t know what I precisely want to talk about today, but I just wanted to write.
Now, that I have finished college, I need to get out into the real world; but the real world is scary. We may have figured out what we need to say in this new real world, but does anyone of us really know what we WANT to say in this real world. I don’t know where I am going, what I am going to be or do. I have some goals; but they may seem lofty to people around me or it may seem like I don’t know what I am talking about.
But I wish people would understand that many times, even though I know what I WANT to do; I am the opposite and I don’t know what I need to do. I know that I want to make a mark, do something extraordinary, do something based on the ideas I grew up of or learned on my own; but the truth is I don’t know how to get there.
Everytime I take a new chance, in my head, it feels like the walls are crumbling like in the In My Blood video. I know I get overwhelmed easily; but I also know that I don’t let down a fight. “Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I can’t.” And I know I can reach out for help; but I feel like I have been independent for so long that now I am so used to fighting it out on my own that I have constant internal battles with myself. It may show on my face, that there is a tug of war going on in my head; but I can not articulate the words verbally to tell that I am struggling; and maybe that is why I write. I am good with written words; I just struggle in saying it out loud.
People may think that this is weird; but I have always felt that there is a world of difference between something that is written and something that is said. Some may say that the written word is emotionless or hard to judge emotions from; but I am more moved by written words than spoken. Music does not count in this.
Speaking about music, let’s take today for an example; this morning I was extremely happy and had a smile on my face that I could not explain; but now I have my In My Blood playlist on repeat and I am struggling to breathe. This morning, there was a lot of hustle and bustle in my Twitter world because Shawn was performing at the AMAs and he won Favourite Adult Contemporary. Hearing his acceptance speech and him telling us how much we all meant to him; really makes me happy; I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because we’ve seen how hard he works and how real he is. But more than that, through him, I have made friends around the world who make me smile and laugh.
These friends, I may not have known them long since I just got back on Twitter but they are a true support because there is no judgement and there is a whole lot of support and smiles. I have had the most randomest conversations with people on the opposite side of the world like which tea is better or how water should be boiled and not microwaved and Grey’s Anatomy. To someone on the outside it may seem stupid and weird; but what is unique about all this is through this we support each other. We hype each other for things we are passionate about. Some of us are amazing at makeup, some of us are amazing singers/artists and in some I know they can change the future through things that they are passionate about. And all of this is through a simple thread that we are all #ConnectedbyShawn. We not only support him, but we fight for him; you may ask why we do so. Many ask me; and all I say is that he gives me hope, he makes me happy and the people I have met through him can make me laugh through a screen. Laughter that makes me not just say lol but actually laugh.
I am still overwhelmed; but I feel a little calmer. And some days that is all I can ask for.